I lived in Dublin, Ireland for three months as an American Broad Abroad when I was twenty. It was the most dynamic, exciting time in my entire social life––I had a close-knit group of friends who lived in my apartment building and we ate dinner together every night, in addition to attending school together, hitting our local bars and clubs together, and traveling throughout Ireland and mainland Europe together. A habitually lonely person (who, particularly in my early twenties, often felt like a perpetual outsider in social groups) I never felt more like I belonged than I did amid this group, in this country.
When my time in Ireland came to an end and I said goodbye to my friends, I took a three-week solo trip to Italy. T Although I spent some days with (distant) family there, I was alone almost the entire time. I was very poor, sleeping in cheap hotels without central heat or on hostel floors, and eating one meal a day; I also didn't speak Italian very well, and would go hours, if not entire days, without meaningfully communicating with another people. In a lifetime of loneliness, this three-week period was among the most desolate in my life. (I had learned, in Dublin, of an Irish custom: whenever you enter a church for the first time, take a bit of the holy water from the baptismal fount and bless yourself and make three wishes. When I went to Italy I toured a lot of churches; in every single one I went into, I performed the custom, and made the same single wish, imbuing it with the power of all three: I wished that time would go faster so that I could go home and not be alone anymore). The contrast in my life in the two countries was dramatic, and made the loneliness I felt in Italy all the more painful.
Looking back at that time, I feel profoundly grateful for the experience that I had––not only to have spent so much time in Italy, which is a gorgeous country full of gorgeous history, culture, language, art, food, people, and spirit––but to have spent so much time with myself. Experiences of isolation can be among the most instructive: even if you don't feel like you "learn" anything about yourself when you're lonely, you learn how to survive your loneliness, to engage with it, to persist through it. As poet Ocean Vuong tells us, "Loneliness is still time spent with the world." That's not to say that a Broad Abroad shouldn't prioritize finding friends––it's absolutely essential, as you delineate so well here––but that the loneliness that precedes the connection is essential, too.
Char, thank you for this beautiful excerpt from your time abroad. 💗 I agree with what you so eloquently put: loneliness is a teacher. It teaches us how to enjoy our own company, to befriend the loneliness and even transmute it into resilience.
You raise a good point that there’s a difference between being alone and being lonely. You can be surrounded by others and still feel lonely and you can be by yourself and not feel alone. It depends on the context.
As someone who’s had the pleasure of knowing you in your early 20s, I never pegged you as someone who was “outsider” - though, I think the people we surrounded ourselves with, or even, in larger part, the people who go to liberal arts colleges like Kenyon, are all offbeat weirdos who have found one another, and tbh I wouldn’t have it any other way. Loneliness and “otherness” gives depth, perspective and empathy, qualities I admire about you xx
Unfortunately, I am the worst. I don't like making friends at work and my current friends happened via the boyfriend. There is a cultural barrier between the way I make friends and people here. Maybe it's the city, maybe it's our age, but nobody ever 'comes out for a coffee' mid-week on short notice and nobody invites me around so it's impossible to put in the time to solidify friendships. Or? Maybe it's just me? who knows
Really?! My experience with Aussies was that they love any chance to have a chat over coffee, though I did live in Sydney/ Newcastle and not in Melbs. I found that the easiest ways to integrate with other Aussies was to work with their rhythms, ie- wake up early, grab coffee and go for a dip at the beach before work. Idk what the scene is like in Melbs, but from what I’ve heard, there’s always heaps going on, with events happening all the time! You’re not without options to meet new people there, perhaps it’s just finding the right communities that make you feel seen and validated 💗
If I lived in Melbs, I’d totally be down for a mid week coffee!
sorry I laughed a bit reading 'wake up early' because that's really a "northern" thing! I was in Brissy recently and people were jogging at 8am on Saturday like it's normal. which it is but not down here haha! I think you're onto something though... because there's always something happening, you don't neeeeeed to go. You'll go next time. And then it rains. And you never go.
Great tips Juvi! Its all about taking the initiative.
Absolutely! Like going up to someone at a networking event in a new country and asking them for coffee 😉🫶
I lived in Dublin, Ireland for three months as an American Broad Abroad when I was twenty. It was the most dynamic, exciting time in my entire social life––I had a close-knit group of friends who lived in my apartment building and we ate dinner together every night, in addition to attending school together, hitting our local bars and clubs together, and traveling throughout Ireland and mainland Europe together. A habitually lonely person (who, particularly in my early twenties, often felt like a perpetual outsider in social groups) I never felt more like I belonged than I did amid this group, in this country.
When my time in Ireland came to an end and I said goodbye to my friends, I took a three-week solo trip to Italy. T Although I spent some days with (distant) family there, I was alone almost the entire time. I was very poor, sleeping in cheap hotels without central heat or on hostel floors, and eating one meal a day; I also didn't speak Italian very well, and would go hours, if not entire days, without meaningfully communicating with another people. In a lifetime of loneliness, this three-week period was among the most desolate in my life. (I had learned, in Dublin, of an Irish custom: whenever you enter a church for the first time, take a bit of the holy water from the baptismal fount and bless yourself and make three wishes. When I went to Italy I toured a lot of churches; in every single one I went into, I performed the custom, and made the same single wish, imbuing it with the power of all three: I wished that time would go faster so that I could go home and not be alone anymore). The contrast in my life in the two countries was dramatic, and made the loneliness I felt in Italy all the more painful.
Looking back at that time, I feel profoundly grateful for the experience that I had––not only to have spent so much time in Italy, which is a gorgeous country full of gorgeous history, culture, language, art, food, people, and spirit––but to have spent so much time with myself. Experiences of isolation can be among the most instructive: even if you don't feel like you "learn" anything about yourself when you're lonely, you learn how to survive your loneliness, to engage with it, to persist through it. As poet Ocean Vuong tells us, "Loneliness is still time spent with the world." That's not to say that a Broad Abroad shouldn't prioritize finding friends––it's absolutely essential, as you delineate so well here––but that the loneliness that precedes the connection is essential, too.
Char, thank you for this beautiful excerpt from your time abroad. 💗 I agree with what you so eloquently put: loneliness is a teacher. It teaches us how to enjoy our own company, to befriend the loneliness and even transmute it into resilience.
You raise a good point that there’s a difference between being alone and being lonely. You can be surrounded by others and still feel lonely and you can be by yourself and not feel alone. It depends on the context.
As someone who’s had the pleasure of knowing you in your early 20s, I never pegged you as someone who was “outsider” - though, I think the people we surrounded ourselves with, or even, in larger part, the people who go to liberal arts colleges like Kenyon, are all offbeat weirdos who have found one another, and tbh I wouldn’t have it any other way. Loneliness and “otherness” gives depth, perspective and empathy, qualities I admire about you xx
Such great ideas!! I tried facebook expat groups here in Melbourne but didn't have much luck.. actually... I should probably write about that XD
I’d love to read your experience on finding friends in Melbs! What ways have you found worked for you??
Unfortunately, I am the worst. I don't like making friends at work and my current friends happened via the boyfriend. There is a cultural barrier between the way I make friends and people here. Maybe it's the city, maybe it's our age, but nobody ever 'comes out for a coffee' mid-week on short notice and nobody invites me around so it's impossible to put in the time to solidify friendships. Or? Maybe it's just me? who knows
Really?! My experience with Aussies was that they love any chance to have a chat over coffee, though I did live in Sydney/ Newcastle and not in Melbs. I found that the easiest ways to integrate with other Aussies was to work with their rhythms, ie- wake up early, grab coffee and go for a dip at the beach before work. Idk what the scene is like in Melbs, but from what I’ve heard, there’s always heaps going on, with events happening all the time! You’re not without options to meet new people there, perhaps it’s just finding the right communities that make you feel seen and validated 💗
If I lived in Melbs, I’d totally be down for a mid week coffee!
sorry I laughed a bit reading 'wake up early' because that's really a "northern" thing! I was in Brissy recently and people were jogging at 8am on Saturday like it's normal. which it is but not down here haha! I think you're onto something though... because there's always something happening, you don't neeeeeed to go. You'll go next time. And then it rains. And you never go.
please if you visit here we need to hang out <3
Try surfing at 5AM! Northern Aussies are truly built differently 😄
And yes- would love to!!