Being a people pleaser abroad is holding you back
Why ultimate freedom is tied to your boundaries
For those who read this newsletter or other travel/ expat-related publications, the value that holds us together in this community is this pursuit of freedom. Particularly for many women, we’re the more liberated we’ve ever been. We’re the most educated we’ve ever been, we hold higher positions at work, we earn more disposable income.
In short, women have options now, and because of this, more women are choosing against the “school to marriage to career to kids” pipeline, and instead, they choose freedom, including the one that allows them to move abroad.
If that’s you, welcome! You’re in the right place. You’re part of a collective constellation of badass women around the world who have chosen this hard yet deeply rewarding path. I applaud you for exploring your options, especially the ones that take you across the world.
I’ve come to know a lot of people like you - these ambitious expat women. They’re kind and generous, yet hungry to build a life that’s meaningful and aligned. They’re go-getters and you kind of have to be if you decide to move abroad; that’s the prerequisite.
Yet, despite the parts of ourselves that are ambitious, worldly, and independent, many of us could still use a lesson in boundary setting- which is why today’s article is dedicated to helping achieve this missing link to your freedom equation.
Last weekend, I sat in a workshop hosted by my friend Dani for her Wealth and Wellness community, entitled “Healthy Boundaries: Why saying ‘No’ is a Smart Investment.” The coach, Rashmi, spoke about how women are conditioned to be “peacemakers even when we are not at peace” (Mic drop moment 🎤) and what we can do to change that so we can live in greater alignment, power and peace.
How does ‘People pleasing’ affect expats?
On the one hand, it serves as a survival tactic, especially when we live abroad and are put in particularly vulnerable positions. This could be tricky if it plays out in the workplace or your intimate relationships. Before you know it, you’re making concessions for your wants and needs to please others. Another added layer, still, is if your visa is tied to pleasing people who don’t respect you- and then your very survival is tied to not having boundaries.
The result can be
Taken advantage of by your overseas employer
Staying in unfulfilling and toxic relationships
Overall lack of confidence and agency
These are nightmarish situations, and one that unfortunately many immigrants find themselves in. If this is raising red flags in your own life abroad, let me stop you from playing the shame and blame game on yourself.
As women, we’ve been conditioned into a society that tells us that we need nice to be liked and that being liked is linked to our survival, even if it comes at a cost to ourselves. No wonder we’ve never fully developed our boundaries muscle.
But for the sake of living your truest and most aligned life abroad, it’s time to flex it, baby.
Here’s how*:
Step 1: Know yourself
Check-in with yourself and see if you’ve experienced any signs where your boundaries have been crossed. Symptoms include: burnout, resentment, overstimulation, worries about being perceived, and having to regulate other people’s emotions.
Step 2: Identify your boundaries
4 areas where we need boundaries are with are ourselves, work, inner circle, and outside circle. Audit which parts of your life need more boundaries and what you’d need to create that distance between you and whatever is taking too much mental, emotional, and temporal real estate.
Step 3: Setting healthy boundaries
State your need directly and firmly. Become comfortable with the discomfort of asking for what you need; it’s going to feel weird- you might experience guilt, shame and remorse when doing it- but that’s only because you’ve never done it before!
Having boundaries shows you and everyone around you that you are valuable- that your needs matter and rest matters. In fact, the more boundaries we have in place, the more emotional freedom, clarity, and confidence we gain. Our relationships improve and our sense of self-worth does too.
As we move through this world as independent, globe-trotting women, it’s important to remember that just because we’re able to be borderless physically, doesn’t mean we should be boundary-less.
* Full credit for this goes to Rashmi. She’s a Life & Wellbeing Coach who empowers you to “conquer self-doubt, connect with your inner wisdom and power & live authentically.”
Give these two broad abroad a follow for more empowering content on boundary setting: 💖 Rashmi (@TheMindSolace) and Dani (@DanubiaPaim)
That’s it for this edition.
I’d love to hear from you 👉 In what areas of your expat life do you need to reinforce your boundaries?
Mine is in the workplace. 🙈
I’d love to hear your answer in the comments!
Catchya next week!
Muah 💋
Juvi